Even in the healthiest and most in-sync parenting relationships, there will be moments of disagreement. That’s just the nature of two people raising another person. What color should we paint the nursery? When should we stop trying to put them down for naps? What preschool should we send them to.
But while some issues are not a matter of opinion — like “newborns should be in a rear-facing car seat for safety reasons” — that doesn’t necessarily prevent differing “opinions.” It’s a frustrating phenomenon TikTok creator Paige (@sheisapaigeturner) brought up recently in a video that she calls “informed parenting versus opinionated parenting.”
Paige highlighted an issue a friend of hers has been having with a partner, namely, her friend (a woman) will bring up an undisputed safety issue — for example, wearing a helmet while riding a bike or cutting up grapes, a known choking hazard — and her partner (a man… I promise I’m mentioning genders for a good reason here) will brush her concerns aside with a simple “S/he’s fine” or “Don’t worry: I’m watching them,” or “We’re being careful.”
“[In the case of wearing a bike helmet], she knows that no matter what, wherever he is, that he could sustain a head injury regardless of whether or not he’s in the driveway or dad is watching,” Paige says. “Things happen very quickly. She knows that even if you’re watching your toddler eat a grape it doesn’t mean you can stop them from choking on the grape.”
It’s a clear case of “informed parenting versus opinionated parenting.” One parent is coming in with established knowledge of best practices while the other is, frankly, just kind of going off vibes.
Paige highlights the fact that she believes men and women are set up for this kind of conflict.
“I think women are fed so much more information about how to care for their kids and keep their kids safe and what to do and what not to do,” she explains. “If you are a woman and you are on social media and you’re a mother, you’re going to get sleep accounts, feeding accounts, safety accounts, doctors… You’re going to have all this information coming at you all the time. … Men, oftentimes, are flying by the seat of their pants going off of intuition. Let’s call it fatherly instinct for the sake of this conversation.”
And that’s not to dismiss parental intuition or vibes: they are invaluable in many cases. But it’s important to be able to know when someone else knows better than you do. When someone is unwilling to budge, maybe because they’re mistaking your research for an opinion, it can be stressful.
“It’s really frustrating because these women feel like they’re putting a ton of time and effort into this and their partners just blow them off,” Paige continues. “And oftentimes they’re blowing them off without having any information. Like, nothing. Not even a Google search on whether or not grapes are a choking hazard or not.”
So what’s to be done? Paige suggests that if you’re an opinionated partner, match your partner’s energy. Ask an expert, like your child’s doctor (head’s up: your mother is probably not an expert and also, for the love of God, don’t pit your partner against your parent)! Read an article or a book on the subject! Do some research!
“That’s the least you can do to be an active parent,” says Paige. “And if you come forward with different information, have a conversation with your partner about it.”
Because, as we said: there are certainly debates to be had when it comes to parenting. But let’s make sure those debates are between two sides based on best practices and safety.
Disclaimer: This story has not been edited by us and is published as shown on Scary Mommy.
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