Adult children going no contact with one or both parents has been a hot topic in recent years. But in between adoring your parents (or in-laws) and cutting them off completely, there are a lot of other ways for a relationship to play out. Maybe you and your parents love each other but have a lot of different beliefs now, or perhaps you and your in-laws are just super different personality-wise. In those cases, you want your kids to have a relationship with their grandparents, even if your own connection with them is strained at times (or all the time).
Listen, the number of people who have an absolutely perfect relationship with both of their parents and their in-laws is… well, it might actually be zero. If not, it’s very close. When you involve grand parents, parents, and kids, each person in that equation brings their own upbringing, traumas, generational beliefs, and personal nuances to the table, says Stacey DeLanoit, PsyD, licensed psychologist at Baptist Behavioral Health in Jacksonville, Florida. In short, it’s natural for there to be conflicts.
If the dislike or tension between you and the grandparents is just personal preference, here’s how you can keep the grandkids’ relationship with them solid, even if your own is on shaky ground. Plus, DeLanoit explains the signs that a true no-contact situation might be in the kids’ best interest.
How to support kids loving their grandparents, even if you don’t like them
For starters, don’t talk negatively about the child’s grandparents in front of them. This and other parenting tips would all be helpful tools when figuring out this dynamic of letting your kids enjoy their grandparents fully even if you’re not the biggest fan.
"That should look a lot like what we would hope to see co-parenting look like, with open communication and being able to talk about how we feel. Unfortunately, a lot of that depends on the person’s capacity and ability to tolerate uncomfortable conversations and the ability to take another person’s perspective," says DeLanoit.
That includes you, she notes. When a parent or in-law does yet another thing to irk you, pause and consider their intent versus their impact. "If a mother or mother-in-law is coming to my house and making low-key remarks about the condition of the house, Mom then feels criticized and basically middle fingers to mother-in-law, right? Nine times out of 10, mother-in-law is not waking up that morning intending to make her daughter-in-law feel like she is terrible. But is that the impact? Absolutely."
Moms care and just inherently want to parent, DeLanoit says, which can often lead to little nudges and prompts you may not appreciate. As long as their intentions are good, you can work on changing the impact. "When they say that thing about my house, I might say, ‘Hey Mom, it makes me feel really inadequate when you make comments about my house. What I need moving forward is to feel affirmed in the efforts that I’m making, and maybe a hand.’"
And if you can only handle the grandparents in small doses, not because they do anything wrong but because you’re just very different, that’s OK.
"If your in-laws are coming over and you know like them, but you like them for like 20 minutes, you are socializing with them and saying, ‘Hey, this is a great opportunity for you guys to bond with the baby. Why don’t you take her on a walk or play or read some books with her,’ and then you go take a shower. Or you go on a walk by yourself or go to Target. Utilize the time for them to bond with the kids and for us to gain access to meeting our needs, because we all know that moms really struggle to meet their needs."
When should you cut off your parents from your child?
"Any time there’s abuse, negligence, or their safety is potentially compromised, that’s a hard no," says DeLanoit. "Just because someone’s your family doesn’t mean they gain access to you by default. So it doesn’t matter if you’re my mom, my dad, my sister; that doesn’t equate to unlimited access." (That goes for emotional abuse, negligence, and safety, too, not just the physical.)
What about less obvious scenarios? No two parent-child relationships are the same, so the advice to navigate them isn’t one-size-fits-all either. But if the grandparents aren’t able to show empathy or give any weight to your perspective, that’s a red flag too, DeLanoit says. "If someone is unable to either see things from your perspective or consider it, or they won’t be accountable for their behaviors, there’s really not much we can do."
Unfortunately, not all familial relationships can be easy peasy. As long as you and your children get more joy than stress out of their relationship with their grandparents, you’re doing alright. "Just remind all the moms that you reached that if it feels messy, it’s OK because we’re all messy," DeLanoit says.
Disclaimer: This story has not been edited by us and is published as shown on Scary Mommy.
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