There are some pretty universal truths in parenting, specifically in the early years. Amid the endless love and admiration, kids will also probably do and say things that downright hurt your feelings, even if they don’t actually intend to.
Kids will also go through favoritism phases, like when they seemingly prefer one parent over the other. As tough as it can be to feel like the rejected parent, you might take comfort in knowing that it’s just a phase, and someday soon, you’ll be the apple of your little one’s eye. But what happens when your child flat-out favors someone else entirely, such as your nanny or another caregiver?
Even though it might sting to see your kid excitedly run towards their nanny or babysitter when they’re upset or make comments about how much more they love their teacher than you, one psychologist is here with a reminder that if this happens, it likely means you’re actually doing a great job parenting. Yes, really.
Why might a child favor another caregiver?
As a parent, you’re juggling lots of tasks, big and small, every day, and the responsibility of managing everything is demanding of both your time and energy. Non-parent caregivers "give a lot of focused and directed attention and reinforcement," as New York-based psychologist Dr. Alexandra Stratyner tells Scary Mommy.
"When a caregiver is around regularly, and if the parent is tending to demanding tasks, the child may trust that person," Stratyner explains. "It can also be developmentally normal — kids are naturally drawn to new or warm attachments, and such attachment transformations are rarely permanent, instead a sign of a child’s normal social growth."
And yeah, if you’re overwhelmed and exhausted, it’s natural for your child to appreciate the energy of someone solely focused on caring for them without the ever-growing list of items that require your attention on a regular basis.
Unfortunately, though, there’s no telling how long your kid’s favoritism will last, with Stratyner explaining that non-parent caregiver attachment can pop up at any age or developmental stage. She cites a nanny, who may provide "a familiar and comfortable environment or supervision that the child values," as a more long-term example, "even when the child feels accepted and cared for by their parent."
"It might be temporary or last for years as the child’s social and emotional needs fluctuate," Stratyner adds.
The Good, the Bad, and the Painful
Though it’s understandably painful, Stratyner reminds us that “this is not a bad thing and that parents should attempt to manage feelings of jealousy; as long as the caregiver is a safe and positive influence on a child’s life, their attachment to the caregiver is both an indication that the child is able to form bonds and can be a source of additional support at critical phases in the child’s life.”
Other caregivers “may offer unique perspectives that may positively influence the child,” she adds. “For example, they may teach the child about a hobby that the child would otherwise not have taken an interest in. There is no limit on the number of meaningful bonds we can have, and they can all enrich our lives in different and complementary ways.”
How can parents strengthen bonds at home?
Realistically, it’s not the healthiest thing if your child is solely attached to you, even when it causes you discomfort. But if it is bothersome to you, seeking support from a pro can help you navigate your feelings. At home, Stratyner recommends devoting shared mealtimes and engaging in age-appropriate activities whenever possible to help build a stronger relationship. "Asking the child what they like about the caregiver also invites communication, making the parent feel more at ease," she adds.
Regular quality time doesn’t have to be anything major, either. "Things as small as a story at bedtime or a weekend away create memories and a connection," says Stratyner. "Instilling family traditions or rituals — a favorite weekend breakfast or evening walk, for instance — can also develop something the child will look forward to, which is positive for the relationship."
Including the caregiver as part of a team is always a plus, she adds, by way of family or group outings or adventures. "This assures the child that both adults care about them. Parents can also watch how the child communicates with the other caregiver and ask engaging questions. This shows their parents value their happiness and respect all of their other interactions."
You will need to keep your emotions in check, especially around your child. (And yes, they will pick up on your energy, even if the feelings are unspoken.) "Jealousy, guilt-tripping, and battling over a child’s attention are not appropriate responses," says Stratyner. "These behaviors emphasize the parent’s emotional needs over the child’s, which is not psychologically healthy for children. Such behavior can cause friction and disconnection from the relationship. Restricting the caregiver’s capacity can anger and confuse the child, and may also isolate them from someone who plays an important role in their well-being."
Any and all unconditional love and support surrounding your child is a good thing, and a therapist can offer a judgment-free zone to share your feelings and work through them. Your feelings are valid, but it is your job to manage them in a healthy way.
Disclaimer: This story has not been edited by us and is published as shown on Scary Mommy.
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