It is not easy to raise emotionally intelligent boys — thank you, patriarchy. As a mom of boys (not a boy mom), you’re probably doing all you can to teach them how to navigate this big, complicated world with empathy and self-awareness, and boy, do you deserve a round of applause!
But, like most things, this once daunting task becomes even more difficult in the tween years — and one expert says that this might be a job for dad.
On an episode of the Rich Roll Podcast shared to Instagram Reels, psychologist Lisa Damour shared one reason why tween boys struggle with expressing emotions, and how dads can be a total game-changer.
“For a lot of boys, especially around like middle school, as they’re starting to consolidate a sense of masculinity, a lot of them decide that talking about feelings is a ‘girl thing’ to do,” Damour explained.
Whether you’re raising boys yourself, or just think back to your own childhood, you can probably pinpoint this shift. You know how your little brother stopped letting you paint his nails? It’s around this time where “girl things” start to become total no-gos for boys.
“Say they’re in a two parent heterosexual home,” Damour continued. “Say it’s only ever the mom who’s actually talking about feelings and trying to have conversations with her son about feelings. It’s so well meaning, but it actually can reinforce exactly what the boy believes, like, ‘See! It’s a girl thing!’”
Ohhh… got it.
Damour explained that boys need male role models to show them that you can be both masculine and emotionally vulnerable. It’s not that mom’s vulnerability is unhelpful, but sometimes, boys just need a bit of proof that emotions are indeed an integral part of manhood, as well.
“The men in their lives, whether it’s dad or a teacher, coach, you know, any variety of men need to be the ones talking about their own emotional experiences and then asking boys about theirs, if we are going to work against this stereotype that feelings are for girls,” she said.
Most commenters were all for dads, or other male role models, taking on this important role.
“I’m so grateful to have a husband who is very open with his emotions and having deep conversations with our son. Time to flip the script!” one user said
“How many times do we have to say that men need to step up. Women are tired for carrying the can,” another said.
But, many pointed out a problem: how do men teach boys to express their emotions, if many never learned in the first place?
“This takes us into a circle. Most men are still not really open to talk about feelings. So most boys will not learn from them.Maybe we should start teaching grown men how to tackle emotions,” one user said.
Perhaps working to raise more kind, empathetic, self-aware boys could inspire some men to work on themselves, too, in a wonderful feedback loop of emotional intelligence. Progress starts at home, people!
Disclaimer: This story has not been edited by us and is published as shown on Scary Mommy.
Leave a Reply