There are about a million reasons the holidays can be one of the most stressful times of the year. The mental load of making sure your kid has a joyful season, the cooking, cleaning, childcare… it’s a lot. And one thing I’d like to add to the anxiety of the holidays? The potential stress of family.
Let me start off by saying this: I love my family. My parents are incredibly supportive people who would drop anything to help me, my spouse, or our daughter. But in the past decade or so, my relationship with my dad, in particular, has become strained, and politics are the source of a lot of the tension. For me, our relationship is worth biting my tongue and not bringing up topics where I know we disagree. For him, making his opinion known often takes precedence.
While our strong differences in ideologies could often be overlooked when it was just myself and my husband, it became a lot more complicated when my daughter came into the picture. Right now, she’s still quite young, and many things go over her head. Still, we’re starting to get to an age where what the adults in her life say to her really matters. And when it’s coming from my father, whose ideas and political opinions so differ from how we’re raising her, it’s a bit of a slippery slope.
I know I’m not alone in this. I’ve had quite a few conversations with friends who have also had to navigate the awkward dynamic of family get-togethers in the current (to put it lightly) thorny political landscape. But how do we deal with balancing our child’s relationship with their grandparent while setting important boundaries in our own family’s dynamics? For that, I turned to a professional to help. I spoke with Sandra Kushnir, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Meridian Counseling, about just that.
You don’t have to give up the relationship.
If I’m going to get really vulnerable here for a moment, I should say this: After having a kid, I wondered whether the differences in my family were substantial enough that I should pull away from the relationship. It’s complicated and scary to say, but I know I’m not alone in feeling this way.
Kushnir suggests it’s essential to "prioritize the relationship over the debate" when navigating political differences with a family member, especially your parents. "One effective strategy is to focus on shared values, such as love, respect, and family well-being, rather than the specific issues that divide you," she explained. "It’s OK to acknowledge that you may never fully agree, and that’s perfectly normal. Aim for mutual understanding rather than persuasion."
As for a good way to do that, she recommended practicing active listening. What that means is you need to sit and listen to the person’s perspective without immediately coming in with a rebuttal. This can help to reduce tension and foster a sense of empathy.
That said, if you feel like the healthiest thing for you and your child is to take a step back from the relationship with your parents, it’s also your prerogative to do so.
You can (and should) set boundaries.
While maintaining a relationship is important, setting boundaries (especially with a kid involved) is also very much acceptable. "Setting boundaries is a crucial part of protecting your child’s emotional well-being and upholding your values as a parent," says Kushnir. "Boundaries are not acts of rejection or disrespect; rather, they are acts of love and self-respect."
Specifically, she shared that if certain discussions or behaviors from a grandparent could cause confusion, anxiety, or distress for a child, setting limits is not only OK — it’s necessary. As for how to approach this, she recommended communicating those behaviors clearly, calmly, and assertively. "For example, you might say, ‘We’re teaching our child to approach others with kindness and empathy, so we ask that conversations about certain topics be avoided around them,’" she recommends. "The goal is to create a healthy and safe environment for your child, not to control your parents."
If there are certain topics you don’t want to be brought up in front of your child, approaching that conversation with clarity and compassion is key. "Start by affirming your respect for your parents and their role as grandparents, but also make it clear that as a parent, you have the final say in how your child is exposed to certain topics," Kushnir says. She emphasized that using "I" statements helps to reduce defensiveness.
And if they push back? "You can remind them that this boundary isn’t about shutting them down but about honoring your role as the parent. Consistency is key — if they see you enforce this boundary consistently and respectfully, they’re more likely to honor it over time."
Choose your battles.
Kushnir acknowledged that navigating political differences in a family setting can be emotionally exhausting. For that reason, she also reminded me that not every disagreement needs to be addressed. Choosing your battles, as it were, can be vital to making sure your most important conversations are heard and understood.
Additionally, she stressed the importance of modeling respectful disagreement. For topics where there is a conversation in front of a child, she recommended engaging in respectful dialogue, even if it’s something you don’t agree with. Kids can mirror behavior and take in what they’re watching, so making sure they can see a civil discourse can be beneficial to their development.
But what if there are still issues? She recommends seeking support if necessary: "If the political differences are causing significant distress in your relationship with your parents, consider seeking support from a family therapist. Having a neutral third party involved can make it easier to establish and maintain boundaries while preserving family bonds."
I don’t know that I’ll ever fully be able to get the nervous pit out of my stomach when it comes time for a family get-together, but going in with a plan is my first step to navigating a difficult situation.
Disclaimer: This story has not been edited by us and is published as shown on Scary Mommy.
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